The Mysterious Grandma

“We are spiritual beings. We realize that we are divine beings in a journey of life that has no real beginning and no end” Carl Gustov Yung”

Our Sages have interpreted Life as Maya(illusion), and authors like Shakespeare has termed Life as a Drama with not much significance except its sound and fury, Philosophers like Aristotle was of the view that life is about happiness, yet there is no simple answer to life, the quest for the meaning of life has produced philosophers,literature and art through out history.

Many times in my professional life I doubted whether life a mystery or an illusion. Abstract things are beyond our grasp and I had my share of confusions and doubts about soul,spirit and God. As a psychiatrist having scientific background, I chose to walk on the scientific path but certain experience in my life has enlightened me to go beyond our physical existence

The mental hospital in Peroorkada, Trivandrum where I am working now seems to have an aura of mystery. Since the beginning of my posting there, I feel like I have been lost in an unusual world pregnant with mystery. The center that was known as lunatic asylum in yester years, stretches 36 acres was built by Travancore King around 150 years ago for social outcastes and those who are mentally unstable. But this lunatic asylum was the abode of hardened criminals as well.

150 years back, this mental asylum resembled to a jail with its dark isolated and lonely cells thirsting to have a ray of hope. The marginalized and unfortunate beings in the society having no face,no identity or no relatives had find refuge  inside the four walls of this center till the end of their life. The big pond inside the campus was believed to be the abode of bad spirits, so that none  dared to venture near to the pond. The reason being told is that the criminals waiting for death  and patients having incurable mental illness were thrown into that pond alive. There is an old fort inside the campus which was built for a mentally unstable royal family member. The fort resembles an haunted house and the beautiful sculptures, wooden carvings and other precious materials in the fort were rumoured to have been  stolen by the public.

The poisonous snakes with its unusual shape and colours, inside the lush green forest of the campus remind the age of the same.Lightning attack is common inside the campus due to the high amount of  iron content  in the soil, many researches were conducted regarding it. Such unique features extend a mysterious taste to the campus.

Shiva temple beside the campus is as old as the mental asylum; the prayers from the temple lend a spiritual aura to the campus. We do conduct topic presentation on each Friday at the DNB library near the temple.On that particular day in …it was decided that Dr. Bindu would present the topic. As the chief consultant, I was assigned to chair the presentation. While I was referring ‘Comprehensive Textbook of Psychiatry’ on Thursday around 12 am in my study, as I had to chair the presentation next day, a voice inside me interrupted my reading with a whisper, ‘You do not need to read this.’ I was an ardent believer of God during that period, so that I asked God, Why I was not able to read, yet somehow continued with my reading. Suddenly the face of Dr. Bindu appeared in my mind and I though she might be  preparing the topic at night. But surprisingly a whispering voice of an old lady interrupted this thought.’ I want to tell you an important matter and if not today, I am afraid that I may not be able to express this ever.’The voice told me. It was as if I have been pampered by a special kind of feathery spiritual touch, It was equally scary and blissful experience. I couldn’t ask anything except comprehensing with my soul that the voice was of an old lady.

Unlike physical character that can be identified with senses, character of mind and soul cannot be identified with any concrete method. Only an evolved state of spiritual awareness would enable one to identify the matters of spiritual realm. That is beyond any logic or reason, but a complete subjective experience. Science is based on evidence, and I struggle with the unprovable aspects of spiritual matters at times.These sort of spiritual experience might have been mocked at as hallucination or lunacy, many including myself are reserved and skeptical about that. Let me come back to my experience: The old lady asked me whether I would marry her grand daughter. I was struggling with my troubled marriage life, which I find irreparable, thus I used to pray to God to connect me with my soul mate. Now this old lady was asking me in a trembling voice whether I could marry her grand daughter Dr. Bindu who is my colleague. I was literally surprised as I hardly ever thought of this way, and I hardly knew  Dr. Bindu. I pinched myself to ascertain  whether I was conscious or not. I washed my face and legs to get out from this dreamy state of mind, in case if I was dreaming, yet that spiritual realm had not left me, it remained there with the same intensity.That voice asked me again, “Tell me whether you would marry Dr. Bindu?’ I closed my eyes and pondered over my marital status. How  a married man could marry again?’ Even though I knew Dr. Bindu, she was not my close friend. As a person who had opted for an arranged marriage with someone whom I hardly knew, I often doubted whether love could be created through a contract in which both the parties adhere to love each other forever.And  my experience in married life taught me that love cannot be created artificially. Whether the contract would break if  one finds another person whom she/he can love completely and communicate beautifully? The question of Dr. Bindu’s grand mother was repeated. ‘Sure,I will marry her.’ I responded as if from the depth of my soul. Then that spiritual realm has left me. I have been slipped into sleep while thinking of this astonishing yet unusual experience.

After referring the said topic for sometime, I had headed to hospital in the morning. To my utter shock, I came to know that topic presentation was cancelled due to the demise of Dr. Bindu’s grandmother yesterday night. Normally, I prefer not to go to pay homage to the dead as I can feel the dead person’s spirit there. And often that feelings haunt me. But I felt an unusual urge to go to Dr. Bindu’s grand mother, thus I went to her place with a colleague; there were people sitting around with sorrowful eyes and heavy heart beside the grand mother who robed in a white dress was lying on a mat with a radiant smile. I had been transported to the same spiritual realm as that of yesterday; it was like I have been enveloped with a millions of  soft feathers, for a moment I was lost in that feathery touch, it was an uplifting and ecstatic feeling which I cannot explain in words. ‘I am happy that you have come to see me Son,’ grand mother murmured to me with a sweet hug. I looked at Dr. Bindu; she burst into tears when our eyes met. I was surprised and saddened to see the sight of a strong- willed women crying in front of me, I couldn’t hold back my tears then. Can I share my experience of yesterday night to Dr. Bindu? Whether she would understand even if I share this particular experience?

These questions remained unanswered in my mind while stepping out from Dr. Bindu’s home.I do not know about the destiny or do not have any power to understand future. But this experience has been haunting me since then. And If it is a real spiritual experience, it is destined to be a reality without us doing anything particular towards it. I thought with a sinking feeling in my stomach.

(Written by Dr.Nelson.and courtesy to Miss Seena  Joseph)



The masochist

Image result for painting masochist

(The ancient Greek god Pan was a half man, half goat being. He stood on two beefy hairy legs, had a human torso, a human face, and had the twisted horns)

have your heart ever burdened?



burden of a heart in love

have you ever tasted…



then what is your love?

it is a burden that makes the heart heavy

real love must be pure joy?

I don’t know

for me,it is a burden that weakens

then why you can’t give it up?

it is  funny ……

never want to get rid of it.

love is a mystery,in fact…

my own self is a mystery,

and I love the pleasures in the mystery

the sweet pain of love,like the snow flakes

falling on my soft heart.

Am I masochist?

Diary of a Psychiatrist-The Mystery

*Palaniyappan was a timid and lean man of average height. His family in Tamil Nadu survives on his daily wage as a mason. He had been suffering from a trembling attack since 14 years, due to this his family’s financial situation worsened steadily, they often run out of money even to feed themselves as Palaniyappan was incapable of even to hold his working tools. After consulting many doctors and experimenting different medicines in his home state, he with his wife have approached our mental health hospital in Trivandrum as per the suggestion of a doctor from TN in order to be relieved from this emotionally and financially deprived existence. I was referring some books at DNB library when I got a call from Dr. Jayaprakash of outpatient to intimate about this weird illness of Palaniyappan.

It could be a disorder called Tic disorder, still, Dr. Jayaprakash was doubting it of a dissociative symptom of mind, so that he had urged my advice. I could diagnose certain features not related to Tic disorder on examining the patient. I had suggested the patient to get admitted into the hospital for a further check-up, to which they agreed. He has been admitted to BICU(Behaviour Intensive care Unit). The beautiful BICU having modern facilities had built in memory of a psychiatrist who was passed away while on duty, and offers continuous monitoring service. Upon examining the history of the patient, one thing dawned on me that this particular disease had its origin after the death of his daughter 14 years ago. His daughter was died 14 years ago due to a sudden fever. Here I would like to enlighten readers with certain psychological nuances of human mind Though an offshoot of the concrete brain, our mind is strange and abstract in nature. The mind that we perceive and consists only one-third of our mind can be termed as conscious mind, rest two-thirds of our mind is unconscious mind, so these aspects of our mind are worth mentioning here. Many things from our conscious mind filter to our unconscious mind, which is beyond space and time. Besides the events filter from conscious mind to unconscious mind is like a collage painting having no connection with each other in its content. So that there won’t be any logical connection for the matters of the unconscious mind. In a nutshell, the unconscious mind is an abstract field neither limited by time nor space. Our dreams(dream analysis) during sleep is one way to understand the unconscious mind. It is possible to appear at different places simultaneously in our dream, while relishing a coffee with a friend in India, we can go for shopping in the US, and we would hardly question the logic of this acts. So it is relevant to know that time and space are the features of the conscious mind, the unconscious mind is beyond the limitations of time and space. This information is vital to analyse the conscious and unconscious minds to understand the connection with Palaniyappan’s trembling attack with the death of his daughter if there is any. I decided to hypnotise the patient as to delve deeper into the cause of the disease. A slightly dark and silent room was chosen for this.He was subjected to hypnotic relaxation for many days, but nothing relevant has been revealed except certain family related issues. Still I continued with the hypnotic relaxation session.

One day I noticed a visible change in the patient during hypnotic relaxation.To my horror, a very humble and soft-spoken person has been transformed into a man having a rough voice, and with a voice as hard as that of a coconut shell scratching on a rock he told me “I have been in his body since 14 years and my food is his blood. Has God given you special powers to oust me from his body?” I was literally taken aback and terrified by those roaring words. Many patients were subjected to hypnotic relaxation and were revealed many things, but this sort of horrific experience was first in my professional life. He has asked one pertinent question, whether I have been bestowed with any special power from God. I do not know, I was shocked and confused to the core. If God willed, let me save this patient, I felt like a helpless child in a flash of second. When all the doors would close, some doors might open, or there might be light at the end of the tunnel.Many thoughts sailed into my mind. Though born as a Christian, I am not a strict follower of organized religion, but my strong belief in Jesus Christ strengthened me. “Leave him in the name of Jesus Christ”, I uttered those words as if I have been armed with certain celestial power though in reality I do not have any such powers. But surprisingly the Ghost appears to have left Palaniyappan’s body as he has been dozed off for a few seconds. He awoke to find his trembling attack that he has been suffering since 14 years has disappeared. We were equally astonished and extremely happy.It was nothing short of a miracle and Palaniyappan was jumping up and down in ecstacy . I have rejoiced so much though I am still confused about the whole episode.. Was it the power of the Jesus Christ or the effect of my hypnotic suggestion that cured Palaniyappan? I was pondering over this question at a great length. Though the question remains unanswered, as a psychiatrist, I prefer to believe in the later.

*Name has changed to protect the identity of the patient.

Written in Malayalam by Dr. Nelson Kattikat

Translated by Seena Joseph

the bottled poetry

Come with me,
when you want to have fun,
I kept it, hidden….
the finest wine,

Sip it with your soft lips
as if it never ends….
I kept it,hidden in a deep cellar,
just for you.

we, the right blend,
to fill our souls in love,
the finest wine,
the one we drink together.

you cant go away,
pretending so inflexible,
trust me,…relax baby,
I can make you….dance!
You can dance.
(painting courtesy-Mukul Maiti,India).

A cry

Las Vegas
you made me heavy heart
I can hear your deep sigh…STILL.
And see the pulse-less pale bodies
the innocent blood, to gloom at me.

What could I give you?
My scared cry….which no one needs,
or my broken wings of a dream,
for a peaceful world,….shattered.

What could you tell us…..
An earth song,forgotten, few years back….
or the sword of Damocles,as a civil war…..
or a world with deep paranoia and chaos.

I can still see the arrow…..hatred,
And the curare,the paralyzing poison.

(picture courtesy,wikipedia,
About the painting,The Scream,
Artist Edvard Munch
Year 1893
Type Oil, tempera, pastel and crayon on cardboard
Location National Gallery, Oslo, Norway)

My love

(a poem by angelbeam)

(Painting by Claude Monet Pinterest)
I know not in which corner of the world you dwell

My heart leaps forward in its endless pursuit

To seek and merge into one with yours.

I envy the stars that keep watch over you as you sink

Wearily into blissful slumber;

For that is what I want to do every night.

I envy the soft wind which, caressing and kissing you

Carries away your scent.

For it’s mine, my sole right, you belong to me.

I envy the moon receiving your smile as you look up at the sky.

For your dimpled smile

Is what strums my heartstrings.

I envy the nameless face that blushes under your loving gaze

For the place I long to be is

Wherever your eyes can reach me.

I envy the people in your life who call out your name;

For my lips were made,

Only to whisper it again and again.

But wherever you are my love, this I know for sure.

Love has a way of finding its nest.

Each night that is the last thing I do;

Unleash the love in my heart to search across the seven seas,

To find you my love……… […]

via My Love…………. — Twin Flames
visit twin flames