The masochist

Image result for painting masochist

(The ancient Greek god Pan was a half man, half goat being. He stood on two beefy hairy legs, had a human torso, a human face, and had the twisted horns)

have your heart ever burdened?



burden of a heart in love

have you ever tasted…



then what is your love?

it is a burden that makes the heart heavy

real love must be pure joy?

I don’t know

for me,it is a burden that weakens

then why you can’t give it up?

it is  funny ……

never want to get rid of it.

love is a mystery,in fact…

my own self is a mystery,

and I love the pleasures in the mystery

the sweet pain of love,like the snow flakes

falling on my soft heart.

Am I masochist?


Diary of a Psychiatrist-The Mystery

*Palaniyappan was a timid and lean man of average height. His family in Tamil Nadu survives on his daily wage as a mason. He had been suffering from a trembling attack since 14 years, due to this his family’s financial situation worsened steadily, they often run out of money even to feed themselves as Palaniyappan was incapable of even to hold his working tools. After consulting many doctors and experimenting different medicines in his home state, he with his wife have approached our mental health hospital in Trivandrum as per the suggestion of a doctor from TN in order to be relieved from this emotionally and financially deprived existence. I was referring some books at DNB library when I got a call from Dr. Jayaprakash of outpatient to intimate about this weird illness of Palaniyappan.

It could be a disorder called Tic disorder, still, Dr. Jayaprakash was doubting it of a dissociative symptom of mind, so that he had urged my advice. I could diagnose certain features not related to Tic disorder on examining the patient. I had suggested the patient to get admitted into the hospital for a further check-up, to which they agreed. He has been admitted to BICU(Behaviour Intensive care Unit). The beautiful BICU having modern facilities had built in memory of a psychiatrist who was passed away while on duty, and offers continuous monitoring service. Upon examining the history of the patient, one thing dawned on me that this particular disease had its origin after the death of his daughter 14 years ago. His daughter was died 14 years ago due to a sudden fever. Here I would like to enlighten readers with certain psychological nuances of human mind Though an offshoot of the concrete brain, our mind is strange and abstract in nature. The mind that we perceive and consists only one-third of our mind can be termed as conscious mind, rest two-thirds of our mind is unconscious mind, so these aspects of our mind are worth mentioning here. Many things from our conscious mind filter to our unconscious mind, which is beyond space and time. Besides the events filter from conscious mind to unconscious mind is like a collage painting having no connection with each other in its content. So that there won’t be any logical connection for the matters of the unconscious mind. In a nutshell, the unconscious mind is an abstract field neither limited by time nor space. Our dreams(dream analysis) during sleep is one way to understand the unconscious mind. It is possible to appear at different places simultaneously in our dream, while relishing a coffee with a friend in India, we can go for shopping in the US, and we would hardly question the logic of this acts. So it is relevant to know that time and space are the features of the conscious mind, the unconscious mind is beyond the limitations of time and space. This information is vital to analyse the conscious and unconscious minds to understand the connection with Palaniyappan’s trembling attack with the death of his daughter if there is any. I decided to hypnotise the patient as to delve deeper into the cause of the disease. A slightly dark and silent room was chosen for this.He was subjected to hypnotic relaxation for many days, but nothing relevant has been revealed except certain family related issues. Still I continued with the hypnotic relaxation session.

One day I noticed a visible change in the patient during hypnotic relaxation.To my horror, a very humble and soft-spoken person has been transformed into a man having a rough voice, and with a voice as hard as that of a coconut shell scratching on a rock he told me “I have been in his body since 14 years and my food is his blood. Has God given you special powers to oust me from his body?” I was literally taken aback and terrified by those roaring words. Many patients were subjected to hypnotic relaxation and were revealed many things, but this sort of horrific experience was first in my professional life. He has asked one pertinent question, whether I have been bestowed with any special power from God. I do not know, I was shocked and confused to the core. If God willed, let me save this patient, I felt like a helpless child in a flash of second. When all the doors would close, some doors might open, or there might be light at the end of the tunnel.Many thoughts sailed into my mind. Though born as a Christian, I am not a strict follower of organized religion, but my strong belief in Jesus Christ strengthened me. “Leave him in the name of Jesus Christ”, I uttered those words as if I have been armed with certain celestial power though in reality I do not have any such powers. But surprisingly the Ghost appears to have left Palaniyappan’s body as he has been dozed off for a few seconds. He awoke to find his trembling attack that he has been suffering since 14 years has disappeared. We were equally astonished and extremely happy.It was nothing short of a miracle and Palaniyappan was jumping up and down in ecstacy . I have rejoiced so much though I am still confused about the whole episode.. Was it the power of the Jesus Christ or the effect of my hypnotic suggestion that cured Palaniyappan? I was pondering over this question at a great length. Though the question remains unanswered, as a psychiatrist, I prefer to believe in the later.

*Name has changed to protect the identity of the patient.

Written in Malayalam by Dr. Nelson Kattikat

Translated by Seena Joseph

the bottled poetry

Come with me,
when you want to have fun,
I kept it, hidden….
the finest wine,

Sip it with your soft lips
as if it never ends….
I kept it,hidden in a deep cellar,
just for you.

we, the right blend,
to fill our souls in love,
the finest wine,
the one we drink together.

you cant go away,
pretending so inflexible,
trust me,…relax baby,
I can make you….dance!
You can dance.
(painting courtesy-Mukul Maiti,India).

A cry

Las Vegas
you made me heavy heart
I can hear your deep sigh…STILL.
And see the pulse-less pale bodies
the innocent blood, to gloom at me.

What could I give you?
My scared cry….which no one needs,
or my broken wings of a dream,
for a peaceful world,….shattered.

What could you tell us…..
An earth song,forgotten, few years back….
or the sword of Damocles,as a civil war…..
or a world with deep paranoia and chaos.

I can still see the arrow…..hatred,
And the curare,the paralyzing poison.

(picture courtesy,wikipedia,
About the painting,The Scream,
Artist Edvard Munch
Year 1893
Type Oil, tempera, pastel and crayon on cardboard
Location National Gallery, Oslo, Norway)

My love

(a poem by angelbeam)

(Painting by Claude Monet Pinterest)
I know not in which corner of the world you dwell

My heart leaps forward in its endless pursuit

To seek and merge into one with yours.

I envy the stars that keep watch over you as you sink

Wearily into blissful slumber;

For that is what I want to do every night.

I envy the soft wind which, caressing and kissing you

Carries away your scent.

For it’s mine, my sole right, you belong to me.

I envy the moon receiving your smile as you look up at the sky.

For your dimpled smile

Is what strums my heartstrings.

I envy the nameless face that blushes under your loving gaze

For the place I long to be is

Wherever your eyes can reach me.

I envy the people in your life who call out your name;

For my lips were made,

Only to whisper it again and again.

But wherever you are my love, this I know for sure.

Love has a way of finding its nest.

Each night that is the last thing I do;

Unleash the love in my heart to search across the seven seas,

To find you my love……… […]

via My Love…………. — Twin Flames
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The Darkest Hour — Twin Flames

(Painting by Caerys Walsh -abstract art contemporary painting canvas. Pinterest) I pushed you down into the deepest crevice of my soul

For, afraid I was of you, my sparkling pure love.

Your light would shine, or so I felt,

On my ugliness, revealing me for the wretch I am.

“Ugly”, they said, “that’s what you are!”

“Love?” They mocked, “Not for you.”

“Prince Charming!” They laughed. “A beggar maybe.”

“Who can nary clothe you, feed you,

Hold a roof above you.”

“Marry,” they said. “Dance to our tuneless music.”

“Breathe not,” they ordered, “not a word of our lies.”

“Weep,” they cursed, “but let not the tears flow.”

“Smile to the world,

Show not the pain in your eyes.”

This is happiness, they taught me to believe

This is life, they decided for me.

So I danced, wept, smiled, laughed.

Struggling against the strong currents of the sea.

For a sea it was, a sea of sorrow

At times calm and serene, at times turbulent

Fighting against the dreams of tomorrow

I tried, I swear, to keep myself afloat.

They did not teach that emptiness is also a feeling

A feeling so heavy despite being a void

How would they know? Poor wretches

Bending under their cross,

They eventually become the cross.

Emptiness, yes, a void in my heart

Crushing heavy like lead

Darkness, yes, dense, thick and spreading

Blowing out coldly

The little warmth left.

Spreading outwards, creeping silently like a malaise

The hollowness swallowing whole my words and deeds

One day saw I myself in the mirror

“Aah,” I cried, “hollow my eyes, hollow my heart.”

But love and behold!

Out you emerged from your depths!

An ember glowing, a tiny spark

You, my love, refusing to be crushed

Sneaking out playfully from the dark.

This time I fanned you, fed you with my milk

You grew up fast, filling every inch of me […]

via The Darkest Hour — Twin Flames
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