Self Mapping


(google image)….a beautiful depiction of old age fantasy.

What is self?

Self is affect(emotional component) , cognition(thinking, and understanding) and interaction.

but its  predominant domain is cognition.

Thinking occurs only when we are alert

(An unconscious person cant think)

And understanding is an awarness of something or self itself.

Self is like a wave or form of consciouness…..

And the consciousness has two components alertness and awarness.

how this alertness and awarness influence self?

it gives a kind of three dimensions.

Three dimensions of existence of self.

Innate self…existing for itself,the authentic form lying in consciousness in order to exist as a “being”.

Exist both in alertness and awarness

But in primary existential  zone.(analogue:perfume in an opened bottle)

Second, is projected self…here self reflect itself on something

the reflection can be based on social norms,faith,desires,needs……etc

(secondary existential zone,analogue:perfume applied on a cloth)

Third,is ‘self of deniel’ or nihilistic self

(invisible dissolved existential zone)

here,self exist as only  alertness but not in awarness….total/complete consciousness without self.And others can guess or infer it.

Its like  a perfume in a sealed bottle or a torch light in a  very bright sunlight.

Can the self  exist,even without satisfying the  essential criteria of thinking,  understanding and even consciousness?…..

Self can exist in a person in sleep, an altered state of consciousness.Here person can feel it as a virtual or in dream state.its like percieving/smelling real perfume in dreams.

Self can exist  even in unconscious person …unalert,unaware…nonexistent..paradoxical self….it may be like smelling perfume in a forgotten dream.

Self itself can be an illusion?

Self as distributed agent.

There is nothing like personal  self at all….self can be just an illusion…it is not something ‘locked in’within mind or related to just brain…it can be just an open system of interactions of consciousness with its enviornment,affecting each other and getting renewed  by each other..a kind of active vicious cycle.Boundary is not fixed.Because it is almost impossible to delinate inner world from external world,considering the fact that self is evolved by imbibing contents from its enviornment and the surrounding enviornment is evolving each moment by the influence of self of oneself or others.

Self mapping is actually difficult…it is not quantity but it is functioning in terms of interaction….within consciousness…or even beyond consciousness…..

If I lost my  limb,my brain can still feel pain in the area of lost limb….because it is already have the mapping in self,which leads to phantom limb phenomenon……and if I have a robot limb,it will leads to an extension of self beyond self mapping or self will grow beyond the ‘locked in’state.

And we believe that there is no self for a person,who is deceased, ……But I like to call that self as nonexistent self in eternal sleep.Here the content of self has changed and surrounding enviornment too… more it is brain or neural oriented.The person is not alert,unaware and others infer that the self is no more……it can be a liberated self and the enviorment, is not that of physical reality..its beyond brain..beyond perception….


I must tell you….

….. I forgot the fact that I forgot’ it’….And you too forgot the fact that you forgot it…and then..’it’ is in  a state of nothigness..the fact is’ it’ exist…but only God knows it……its existence.

An inner domain


(art by Herb Ritt)

Inner life is tasting my own sweat,……

making me aware about my own breath,

which usually  leads to a deep sigh,…..

coming out of my own awarness about my self_ unawarness.

my own incongruity.

It is like jumping into a bottomless ocean….

Everyday,thousands of thoughts,passing through my mind

weaving concepts,but I am unaware about most of them.

This  realisation leads to my own unawarness,

motivates me to start an inner journey…introspection.

So that I can feel I exist…..

I exist in outer life and inner life

In outer life, I project an outer self image…I do things not for myself( or partly) but to make people think this or that about me,and I think…this is what others think about me.

In inner life, I didnt project anything but I have an inner self image,my own way of understanding and feeling…and I think I am this….internally.

My outer life is just a defense to hide my inner life…a kind of” deniel” and “reaction formation”.

Both outer and inner lives are my own concepts about my life.

It is my percieved truth about me or my life…it may not be truth at all.

But I am sure about one  truth….that is… my outer life and inner life are painfully incongruent…..paradoxical.

I have an inner life,so private,so secret…and so mysterious.

It is mysterious because it is like a  virtual private library,containg thousands of all sorts of files…..websites.

Some of which, has not even counted… numbered.

And I, myself, read only few pages of few files…few websites.

Among these virtual files, I think, one website  is so mysterious which comprehend all universe,even the creator,butit is hidden.


when I find it… will provide immense eternal knowledge…sacred knowledge.

It will be like touching the nucleus  of an atom…

it is like connecting myself with an unknown mysterious  energy…boundless…measureless……

I do believe…there is no logical search engines to search in  this boundless depth of my own mind,… own domain.

Only search engine is faith…to find out this mysterious website,beyong logic,

I call it ‘spirit’.

“Material things have closed boundaries; they are not accessible, cannot be penetrated, by things outside themselves. But one’s existence as a spiritual being involves being and remaining oneself and at the same time admitting and transforming into oneself the reality of the world. No other material thing can be present in the space occupied by a house, a tree, or a fountain pen. But where there is mind, the totality of things has room; it is “possible that in a single being the comprehensiveness of the whole universe may dwell.”
― Josef Pieper, Happiness and Contemplation


A lantern under the lightning


(Painting by Kazuaki Tanahashi)

It was the last boat,to the remote village near a sea shore,

And we were sitting on adjacent seats,

under the shade of  a dark sky:

Breathing the same air encircling us

which was occassionaly blowing violently.

The boat was under the scrutiny of light from a  distant light house.

Under the light,

I saw her face ,like a  golden flame,to fade,

was shaky,

And its  tremulousness,was

sending waves to the shore,

I asked her ” what made you so sad?”

as I have noticed tears dribbling from her eyes.

She said”my husband got arrested, last week,

He was a drug dealer but was very good to me….

I have visited him twice in the jail,

but in the last visit, I met not only him but the jail superintendent on the way,

And he called me  ”  beautiful  angel”…

“then, you must be glad”I was innocent in my voice.

she was silent for a while,like the  flickering flame made a stand still for unknown reason….. in a lantern.

But,she was like a smoky lantern,

shedding a pale glow over me,

And I was like an eagerly waiting dog for its feed,wagging its tail…..

Then she continued…”…in the last night,the superintendent came to my house….and like a feral wind,he tresspassed my paradise,devastated everything in it.”

The pale moon in the sky ,was struggling but peeping through the dark clouds.

she was looking into my eyes helplessly……saddened with dark clouds……

I could see the agony …… the eyes of a poor rabbit in a dark forest, in the torch light of a hunter……

I asked her…”no laws in your land?”

She whispered  ….

” we have only brutal laws of hunting and dominance”

Suddenly, a spell of a violent  lightning with thunder,struck the boat,

and it was almost sinking….

I just wrapped my arms around her……..

“dear,in my land, no laws but only love  that sprouts spontaneously”

My eyes were shedding a dancing glow over her face.

And  although the waves were unpolite to its edges…..the boat was heading towards its shore……….The light house was,now,…. closer.

(unfortunately….this story is based on real event from the life of  a rape victim)







Diamond in the sky


(picture courtesy, facebook)

In my childhood,

My Grandma told me,

There are Angels.

They visit earth once in a while.

And they collect tears from sorrowful hearts

in  heavenly bottles,

And in lonely nights of deep sigh,

They will shower it back…..

these tears as  sparkling diamonds of new hope….

I asked her….

When will I meet such an angel…?

She said,

Dont you see the sparkling diamonds in the sky?


“To see the angels…..

Dear, wait…with a loving heart.

She will come to you..oneday in your life time.

When she comes…..

Embrace her with your loving heart”.

Then she kissed me on my forehead.

And whispered..”My precious diamond”….

I could see sparkling sky in her eyes.

“When angels visit us, we do not hear the rustle of wings, nor feel the feathery touch of the breast of a dove; but we know their presence by the love they create in our hearts”*

(*The quote courtesy, MARY BAKER EDDY, Poems by Mary Baker Eddy)

Misty blue


( image courtesy….Advita)

oh,sweet, swiftly flowing misty blue……

surround me , ethereal beauty…..

ripples in me,as serene symphony,

immerse me in my dreams…..

Dont hide under your veil….for a while,

pamper me in your lap….

with the cool, mysterious smile,

with your feathery touch….

paint within me,

the everlasting night.

Look me in the eyes,

behold me,

under your magic spell,

like a child…..

let me immerse in my dreams.

you,the delightful sight,

just cant get you off my mind….

why shoul I try,

My misty blue…….

A  mysty spark in my heart.


the unknown me


If I say, I love all humanbeings,

I am decieving myself,it may not be the truth,

If I say I hate all human beings,

It can be  a lie.

If I  say, no one loves me or  people around me ,are hating me…..

These are extreme positions,in terms of  opinion and assumptions.

I have all the rights to keep my own opinions,since I am unique,

But If they are not reality based,or my ‘reality testing’ is impaired,

how can my mind function properly in a real situations?,

My basic,fundamental assumptions are very important,

because they colour my perceptions,my inputs,

If my inputs(perceptions) are distorted,then the output(expressions) will be distorted.

It is my internal mood and the assumptions  regarding myself and others

are most important for perception than my actual world outside,

because my perception is actually a reflection of my own self.

In other words,my perception has two components…..

An inspective part,which inspect outside and imbibe external world or stimuli,

then,an introspective part,which add my ‘self'(mood and preconcieved ideas)into the stimuli,(this may not be even conscious).The introspective/innate component is more important

And both these aspects constitute my ” coginitive phenomenal field”…..

…nothing but my awarness… mind..myself.

And I am always identifying( considering) with my mind as if I am the ” my mind”

but infact’ I’ am beyond my own ideas,thoughts, assumption and my own limited mind.

I always misguided that I percieve the truth as itself … I am a rational being…..

but the truth is..

all  my logic,ideas,concepts,believes,thoughts,feelings,moods,knowledge,mental images,imaginations…eveything is a creation of my mind……And

I am just a slave of my own limited distorted mind.



How can I meet the undistorted ,superconscious’ I’…(may be the ever existing being within me),beyond  my body and my own mind..(.beyond the veil)?

I dont know,whether…I have such existence’the superconscious ‘I’

Because I am unable to lift up/raise the veil…I have identified myself with the veil.

I am sofar the veil…how can a veil  get raised by itself, its own?

This is an existential struggle…..I am trying to lift up the basket in which I am sitting.