Striving for love
“And in the end, I believe that we don’t need to do anything to be loved. Those who love us see us with their hearts. And those who don’t want to love us will never be satisfied with all our efforts.” — Frida Kahlo
Modern life quietly teaches us a dangerous lesson: that love must be earned. We learn to polish ourselves—becoming prettier, smarter, calmer, or more successful—in the hope that one day we will finally be “enough.” This belief drives much of our emotional exhaustion. Frida Kahlo’s words challenge this deeply ingrained assumption and point toward a more liberating truth: love is not a reward for perfection; it is a recognition of being.
The Psychology of Conditional Love
From a psychological perspective, the urge to earn love often stems from conditional attachment formed early in life. When affection is tied to performance—good behavior, achievement, or compliance—the mind internalizes the belief that worth depends on approval. As adults, this pattern appears in relationships where people over-adapt: changing their appearance, suppressing opinions, or abandoning personal needs to keep connection intact.
Consider a romantic relationship in which one partner constantly reshapes themselves to be accepted. Despite their effort, the relationship feels fragile, tense, and conditional. This reflects a core psychological truth: those who do not wish to love us will never be satisfied, no matter how much we give. The dissatisfaction does not arise from our inadequacy, but from the absence of genuine acceptance in the other.
Seeing with the Heart
Contrast this with the way a parent looks at a child. A child may be clumsy, make repeated mistakes, or fall short by objective standards, yet the parent often sees intelligence, promise, and beauty far beyond what is immediately visible. This is a powerful example of unconditional positive regard, a concept introduced by psychologist Carl Rogers. Love here is not based on performance, but on presence.
Philosophically, this aligns with Martin Buber’s idea of I–Thou relationships—connections in which the other is encountered as a whole being rather than an object to be evaluated. When we are loved in this way, we are seen not for what we achieve, but for who we are. This is what Kahlo means by being seen with the heart.
Imperfection as Truth, Not Flaw
Friendships offer another everyday illustration. A close friend may cherish your forgetfulness, your intensity, or your awkward humor—qualities you might try to hide elsewhere. To them, these are not flaws but expressions of authenticity. Meanwhile, someone who dislikes you may criticize even your strengths. This contrast reveals a crucial insight: love alters perception, not effort.
Leaving imperfections alone does not mean refusing growth. Psychology distinguishes between growth driven by self-respect and change driven by fear. Improving communication for inner peace is healthy; reshaping your personality to avoid abandonment is not. True development arises from self-acceptance, not self-erasure.
Existential philosophy reminds us that authenticity requires embracing incompleteness. To be human is to be unfinished. When we attempt to erase every flaw, we lose not only our uniqueness, but also the very qualities that make genuine connection possible.
Imperfections as a Filter for Love
Imperfections serve a quiet but powerful purpose: they act as a filter. They reveal who can stay present with us when we are tired, imperfect, and uncertain. People who truly value us remain, not because we are flawless, but because we are real. Those who demand constant perfection were never offering love, only approval.
Love as Recognition, Not Achievement
In the end, Kahlo’s insight brings us back to a simple and often forgotten truth: love is not something we earn through endless self-polishing; it arises naturally where there is genuine connection. When we stop striving to be lovable and allow ourselves to be seen, we discover that those who truly matter have already been looking at us with their hearts.
Perhaps that is the deepest freedom of all—to remain imperfect and still be loved.
IMTM
IM International Foundation’
whisperer 